I was born physically blue because of a heart condition called Transposition of the Great Vessels (TGA). I came into this world fighting for my life from day one. I had several open heart surgeries including a procedure called a Mustard procedure at 9 months. The mustard procedure saved my life but also made it so my heart is completely backwards from everyone else. And possibly could fail one day.
When I was 2 years old my heart started to stop at night so they put a pacemaker in. A pacemaker is a small device that attaches to your heart to control the beats and maintain the heart stays beating and working correctly. I've had several pacemakers which you can read about some of those experiences on the blog or as a I write about them. My pacemaker has been basically a part of me. The doctor to the right is Dr. Roth who saved my life. The doctor the left of me is Dr. Judd who also was in the surgery that saved my life and she was my doctor up to my 20's. Okay not only in my age of 2 did I have to face heart stuff and a pacemaker but my parents decided to divorce and my family forever changed.
Once I received my pacemaker. things settled down with heart stuff. It became something that was just me. Who I was. I saw my cardiologist once a year, called in pacemaker checks every few months and was on a middle heart medication. But for the most part like I said it was just who I was and didn't phase me. The hard part in this part of life was my parents divorce and my very lonely upbringing. My parents put my brother and I in between all the fighting between them. They used us like weapons in trying to hurt one another but they only ended up hurting us. We lived with my mom up until I was 9 years old. Then around when I was 9 years old we were told we had to go live with our dad. I lived with my dad until I married my husband. You can read more about these experinces on the blog part. I wrote lonely child in these years because that's where the "blue" for the emotion part starts. I was a very lonely child in many ways and I prayed to God many times in this stage to end my life. To end my heart. I didn't want be here anymore. I didn't want deal with all that I had to deal with. I spent most of my time alone and watching T.V. shows this was where my huge LOVE came for 90210, simpsons and Saved by the bell. All shows I was told not to watch but no one was around to stop me. I was very alone..
My teen years got a little better. We had lived in Heber, Utah with our dad for the start of my teen years. Living wiht my dad I seemed to be happier in ways. I started to have a lot more good friendships and find my way. I had a lot more memories. My dad always made sure we had everything we needed and we were socially very happy (like I said less lonely cause I finally had lots of good friends and was active in life). Even though I had friends and was happier I still struggled through finding my way to fit in. Never really feeling like I fit in. Then we moved to Provo, Utah because my dad wanted to give my brother a better chance in sports for high school. This was good and bad. I had to find my way again. New friends again. These were the years of the bulling and probably the worst for my self esteem. You can read these stories on the blog section or as I write them on there. 8th grade year I spent most the year in the girls locker room eating lunch by myself. Unless my dad brought me a pizza and slurpee then I ate lunch with him and my councilor Mr. Summers. At the end of 8th grade I found new group of friends. Unfortunately like I said these were my hard years of not feeling like I belonged and trying to find my way so I went through a few groups of friends. I always felt out of place in life. But tried my best to find my way. These were also the years where we saw a different side of my dad. Learned he had a really bad temper. And I learned even more of things I did not want in my life or want be like. I had a bit of temper too and I had a few incidents where I did not like who I was and I quickly choose that wasn't going be who I was going be.
Then I meet Jason. Jason came into my life when God knew it was time. I didn't expect to have him in my life but he was exactly what I needed and always wanted in my life. It was funny cause I kind of had a boyfriend or boy I liked when I meet Jason but I completely forgot about that kid when Jason came into the picture. Jason and I were basically together from the second we meet. We hung out all most every single day. He was 18 years old and I was 16 years old when we meet. We weren't always perfect and rainbows. Jason and I had huge blow outs and ridicules fights all the time. We were young and stupid. We would break up and get back together all the time. Jason would be like we're to young, you're to young. Lets see other people but then neither of us would and in a day or two we'd right back together. It was absolutely ridicules. Like I said we were super young, super stupid and immature. And luckily for us it all worked out. It doesn't always work out this way. We're complete opposites in some many ways. The biggest opposite or challenge we have in our relationship is I like to be social and Jason's more anti-social/home body. Its been a bit of a challenge in our relationship but we work through the difficulties. We bring out the best in one another and help the other to grow. The thing that I think keeps us strong and gets us through the rough times in our relationship is how very committed we both our. We both love eacher more then anything. We always say forever, for always and no matter what. He is my absolute best friend. The one person I have been able to lean on and depend on through everything. And trust me I have a lot that sometimes breaks me. Jason is always the one by my side. Read the story of how we meet, more about him and us on the blog section.
*Don't mind this terrible picture of us, its the picture of the first day we meet and hung out.
What is heaven to me. Well I wrote about this on the blog section so go read it. But to me my heaven is the time I have right now with Jason and my kids. From when I was a tiny little girl in Arizona I would pray and beg God for a family. To be a wife, to be a mom. It was the one thing I knew from a very little girl that I wanted most in this world. The only thing I asked God for. So for me when I die that want be me going to heaven that will be me going to peace. To a beautiful place and having peace for my soul. No more hurt, pain, fighting for my life, no more dealing with my family, no more of the emotions, no more it all. Just peace. Right now the time I have with Jason and the kids. That is my heaven. Having Jason in my life, being able to be a mom to two amazing angels Bridger and Rylee that is heaven to me. Every bit of it. Even the hard times, the struggles. It all is heaven and what I wanted most in this life. So to that thank you God for blessing me with being a mom and thank you for Jason crossing the path in to my life. This is what I prayed for a as a little girl. My heaven!
*Side note who am I. I am girl who came into this world fighting for her life. Went through a hell of a lot. Continues to go through a lot. I am wife, a mom, a fighter, a friend, someone who loves strong and who just tries to find the rainbow in life. I want inspire and lift others up with my blog. I want help others by sharing who I am. Oh and my family is obsessed with Disneyland trips.